White Zombie (1932)
A young woman falls under the spell of an evil voodoo priest in this horror classic.
The Review:
Bela Lugosi
His beard in White Zombie rules!
I must grow one too!
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Cary Christopher
Altered (2006)
Three men who were abducted by aliens as kids capture an E.T. to get revenge. Not knowing what to do next, they seek the help of their estranged fellow abductee. Directed by Eduardo Sanchez (Blair Witch Project).
The Haiku Review:
Rednecks get revenge
Intestines are strewn about
This film is awesome!
Rating: 4 out of 5
The X-Files: I Want To Believe (2008)
Agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully return to action in this 2008 attempt to reboot the beloved television series as a film franchise. The case that brings them out of retirement revolves around a missing FBI agent and a psychic ex-priest who seems to know where she’s being held.
The Review:
I want to believe
No, really I wanted to
Please let me forget
Rating: 1.5 out of 5
Miami Blues (1990)
A recently released convict tries his luck in South Florida and finds an innovative and violent way to live the good life.
The Review:
Almost forgotten
This early 80′s crime film
Totally kicks ass!
Rating: 4 out of 5
Jun 042010
Toho studios unleashes Mothra, Mothra Larvae, Mechagodzilla and Godzilla upon Tokyo once again.
The Review:
Matthew Broderick
Does not appear in this film
Therefore it’s not bad
Rating: 3 out of 5
A bunch of students in a backwoods town spend their time trying to get laid and running into trouble with the local brothel owner and his crooked sheriff brother.
The Review:
The actual film
Was not nearly as good as
What I remembered
Rating: 2 out of 5
May 272010
Super High Me (2008)
Comedian Doug Benson takes a joke from his standup act and turns it into reality in this 2006 documentary about medical marijuana laws in California.
The Review:
If it’s objective
Was to make me want to smoke
Mission accomplished
Rating: 3 out of 5
Abbott and Costello Meet The Mummy (1955)
Abbott and Costello play two down on their luck explorers who stumble on a plot to steal an ancient Egyptian treasure. However the secret sect that protects the treasure has awakened a mummy to exact revenge.
The Review:
I used to love this
Now I must ask myself why.
It sucks to grow old.
Rating: 2.5 out of 5
Hell House: The Book of Samiel (2007)
Stupid kids. Demon possessed house. Ancient book. Blah, blah, blah.
Review:
This movie is shit
Barely preferable to
Throttling puppies
Rating: 1 out of 5
Mr. Warmth: The Don Rickles Project (2007)
John Landis follows Don Rickles around and tells us why he’s funny.
The Review:
I like Don Rickles
This will not win new converts
It makes him boring
Rating: 2 out of 5