It is currently Fri Feb 23, 2018 1:50 am

All times are UTC - 8 hours [ DST ]




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 13 posts ] 
Author Message
 Post subject: Shoe does crime fiction
PostPosted: Mon Jul 13, 2015 9:25 am 
Offline
Singularity ∞
User avatar

Joined: Thu Jan 21, 2010 1:20 pm
Posts: 10090
I wrote a quick little blast of pulpy noir that got picked up by an online crime fiction journal, so if you're into that sort of thing, you should read it.

If you're not, just click the link or something and laugh at my hilarious author pic.

_________________
"Hitler had a pretty good idea there." - Eric


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Mon Jul 13, 2015 9:27 am 
Offline
Pollution Baby
User avatar

Joined: Mon Jan 25, 2010 6:51 am
Posts: 6285
Location: Massachusetts
That's damn sexy, that is.

I'll read the story now...

_________________
-These are the demands and sayings of Ericubus.

In the future it will become even easier for old negatives to become lost and be "replaced" by new altered negatives. This would be a great loss to our society. Our cultural history must not be allowed to be rewritten. - George Lucas 1988


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Mon Jul 13, 2015 9:32 am 
Offline
Pollution Baby
User avatar

Joined: Mon Jan 25, 2010 6:51 am
Posts: 6285
Location: Massachusetts
Not bad, my friend. A tendency to over explain things sometimes, but a very enjoyable read.

_________________
-These are the demands and sayings of Ericubus.

In the future it will become even easier for old negatives to become lost and be "replaced" by new altered negatives. This would be a great loss to our society. Our cultural history must not be allowed to be rewritten. - George Lucas 1988


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Mon Jul 13, 2015 11:31 am 
Offline
HMFIC
User avatar

Joined: Thu Jan 21, 2010 7:30 pm
Posts: 4343
Location: Detroit
The squint makes it even tougher.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Mon Jul 13, 2015 11:33 am 
Offline
Moderator
User avatar

Joined: Thu Jan 21, 2010 1:20 pm
Posts: 7690
Didn't care much for the denouement...

_________________
In space, nobody can hear you in space.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Mon Jul 13, 2015 11:53 am 
Offline
Singularity ∞
User avatar

Joined: Thu Jan 21, 2010 1:20 pm
Posts: 10090
Everything after "you're gonna mean them" is new and was added at the request of the editors. They felt the original ended too abruptly and wanted just a little more after it so it didn't come to a screeching halt.

I'm not terribly precious about my stuff, so if they thought it would work better that way I was happy to oblige them.

_________________
"Hitler had a pretty good idea there." - Eric


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Tue Jul 14, 2015 6:55 am 
Offline
Pollution Baby
User avatar

Joined: Mon Jan 25, 2010 6:51 am
Posts: 6285
Location: Massachusetts
Shoe wrote:
I'm not terribly precious about my stuff, so if they thought it would work better that way I was happy to oblige them.
This got me thinking, and I hope/know your ego can take it. What if we take a run at being an editor with your piece? I like it alot, but thought it could use some polishing too, so here is my edit, let me know what you think.

Quote:
Frank Saxon’s Last Call
by Eric San Juan
[Ericubus edit]



There sat Frank Saxon, in a dirty gin joint on Eleventh Avenue, the light bulbs burned out and the toilets backed up. Stink rose from the corners like steam from a manhole cover. The bartender’s name was Ted. Three times divorced, a four-day beard and a mouth that never turned upward, Ted poured his gin and tonics without the tonic. I liked that.

I slouched next to Saxon at the bar. He tried to bum a cigarette. Asked, but I wouldn’t answer. The cigarettes I carry are only for the fairer sex. He asked again, and grunted a curse when I wouldn’t respond. Man was frustrated. He had every right to be.

Downed the first drink and Ted slung me another. The pale white scar above his right eye was begging to have its story told, but I wasn’t here to ask.

Saxon turned to me, his face red, and pointed a long finger, accusing. Lurched a bit. Bastard was drunk. He slurred out a long stream of profanity that was almost poetic and started to get up, looking like he wanted a fight, so I turned away from him, and downed my second gin (no tonic) in a swallow. Man wants to fight, he’ll have to show me he means it.

“Talkin’ to you,” Saxon declares, swaying in a wind that wasn’t there, his shirt stained with marinara and his left shoe untied. He spits out, “Day in a fookin’ life, man. Read da news ta day!”

“Sit down, Frank,” I said into my drink. Beatles. It figured. “You and me ain’t got time for this.”

“Wiff a little help from da friends!” The old drunk seemed suddenly happy. Quick mood changes. I learned to like that about the guy. Frank, he could go from loving you to hating you in a minute, then right back again. “Tay … take sad songs an’ make ‘em better. Let ‘er inna yer heart!”

“Just sit, Frank.”

Put my finger in the air and before I could put it back down Ted had another drink in front of me. It was gone before Saxon was able to get his ass back on his stool. I wheeled about. Faced him.

“It’s time, Frank. It’s time.”

Looked at him long and hard. Real hard. He knew what I meant. The booze passed from his eyes, sobriety peeked out, stood forward, and he straightened himself up as best he could.

“So,” Frank said, “I … I guess I should say my goodbyes, then?”

“Yeah, say your goodbyes, Frank. This job isn’t going to be an easy one. Your goodbyes? This time, you’re gonna mean them.”

He sighed a sigh of defeat. He could be a wild card, Saxon, but the man lived up to his promises, even if he hated every last damn minute of it.

“What about Lucy?” he asked. “She can’t know.”

“She’ll get the news today, my boy. . . . but don’t worry. She won’t know how things really went down.”

The stone look on his bloated face said all that needed to be said. Time to go. I tossed Ted some extra bills as we left, ‘cause my pop always taught me to do right by the man who fills your glass right. Then Saxon and I, we left Ted and his tonic free gin behind.

A few weeks later, that scar’s story was calling to me, so I came back. Saxon never did.

_________________
-These are the demands and sayings of Ericubus.

In the future it will become even easier for old negatives to become lost and be "replaced" by new altered negatives. This would be a great loss to our society. Our cultural history must not be allowed to be rewritten. - George Lucas 1988


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Tue Jul 14, 2015 8:15 am 
Offline
Singularity ∞
User avatar

Joined: Thu Jan 21, 2010 1:20 pm
Posts: 10090
Feel free. Have a blast with it.

_________________
"Hitler had a pretty good idea there." - Eric


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Tue Jul 14, 2015 8:20 am 
Offline
Moderator
User avatar

Joined: Thu Jan 21, 2010 1:57 pm
Posts: 5233
Location: Likely underwater
I really like it! The tone was almost too blatantly "on the nose" for me at first but by the end of it, I was totally on board. I could go either way with that last line. I think it works fine and would work fine without it also.

_________________
"Watch my stuff." - Monterey Jack


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Tue Jul 14, 2015 8:33 am 
Offline
Moderator
User avatar

Joined: Thu Jan 21, 2010 1:20 pm
Posts: 7690
Here's my take...

Frank Saxon’s Last Call
by Eric San Juan
[Chris Knight's edit of Ericubus' edit]


The planet Krull has been invaded by the evil monster The Beast and his army The Slayers, two rival kingdoms have formed a alliance against The Beast and The Slayers, as Prince Colwyn, the son of King Turlord marries Princess Lyssa, daughter of King Eirig, where Prince Colwyn and Princess Lyssa's marriage will unite the two kingdoms and both Colwyn and Lyssa will rule the lands of Krull.

But during the wedding, The Slayers attack and Lyssa is kidnapped. Setting out to rescue Lyssa, Colwyn joined by a fellowship companions: the Seer Ynyr, a band of escaped convicts led by Torquil, Rell, a one-eyed giant, Ergo, a cowardly magician, Emerald, a blind Seer and a young boy named Titch set off in search of The Black Fortress where Lyssa is being held captive, where The Beast intends to marry Lyssa in it's evil goal to rule Krull along with many other worlds.

Armed with a powerful weapon "The Glave" a disc with five blades, Colwyn and his companions set off in search of The Black Fortress which changes location every sunrise, where Colwyn vows to rescue Lyssa and defeat The Beast and The Slayers.

A few weeks later, I came back. Saxon never did.

_________________
In space, nobody can hear you in space.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Tue Jul 14, 2015 8:43 am 
Offline
Pollution Baby
User avatar

Joined: Mon Jan 25, 2010 6:51 am
Posts: 6285
Location: Massachusetts
Not enough space battles.

_________________
-These are the demands and sayings of Ericubus.

In the future it will become even easier for old negatives to become lost and be "replaced" by new altered negatives. This would be a great loss to our society. Our cultural history must not be allowed to be rewritten. - George Lucas 1988


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Tue Jul 14, 2015 9:31 am 
Offline
Singularity ∞
User avatar

Joined: Thu Jan 21, 2010 1:20 pm
Posts: 10090
Chris Knight wrote:
Here's my take...

It's a vast improvement. :thumbs:

_________________
"Hitler had a pretty good idea there." - Eric


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Mon Jul 27, 2015 9:21 am 
Offline
Pollution Baby
User avatar

Joined: Mon Jan 25, 2010 6:51 am
Posts: 6285
Location: Massachusetts
No one else?

_________________
-These are the demands and sayings of Ericubus.

In the future it will become even easier for old negatives to become lost and be "replaced" by new altered negatives. This would be a great loss to our society. Our cultural history must not be allowed to be rewritten. - George Lucas 1988


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 13 posts ] 

All times are UTC - 8 hours [ DST ]


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
cron
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group