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PostPosted: Thu May 26, 2016 10:50 am 
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Pollution Baby
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I was inspired by Shoe's writing to create my own and submit it to the site he was listed on, and Shoe was good enough to give me some useful critique's.

Here is what I sent in, but it will take months before I know if they want it or not.

Spoiler: show
Code:
He grabbed the table and sat down hard, across from me and next to Layohla.  I eyed my drink to see if the wobble would turn into a spill . . . catastrophe avoided.

"You almost spilled my drink."

"I was told you guys have a ship.  You can take me where I need to go."

"You almost spilled my drink."

"Ya, I’m sorry about that.  Listen, I need to get somewhere far, I can’t tell you where yet, but . . ."

The kid droned on.  A potential job, sure, but I need a potential job like I needed this wirey little bundle of nerves spilling the one thing I had been looking forward to during the last job.  Murlilau’s Special Dark.  Brewed here, in his shop, well, his wife’s shop really but you don’t mention that, not if you want the Special Dark.  He brews it from a plant that only bears fruit once every 5 turns.  Charges like it too, but damn if this isn’t the best brew anywhere in the Seven Galaxy’s.  Makes your toes tingle and your blood warm, lets you relax, let your guard down and not feel off about it.   I hadn’t even taken my first sip yet.

"You almost spilled my drink."

"I’m sorry, but can you?   Can you, I mean, I know you can, but will you?  Will you take me?"

"Walk away, Kid."

Layohla spoke up, "Give us a moment."

What is this?  Oh yeah, she still needs money.  I look at her with nothing but impatience as the kid leaves.  The only reason I took the last job was so I could be here, now.  20 turns of this.  20 turns of slipping through the nets, bringing one set of contraband to people looking to exchange it for another set of contraband.  Ya, when I was younger it was fun, the rush of skidding by, getting known for being the man that can get things done.  But now, it’s just what I do, the job of doing whatever jobs people can’t do for themselves.  By now it’s all I know how to do, and the only way I can make enough to feed myself well.

Layohla looks at me with a contained smile, "It’s just the kid, nothing else.  Will take about a month, maybe 7 or 8 jumps, but he’s got crystal, and it should be simpl . . . "

"Don’t, don’t, don’t"

I look down and grab my forehead to stop the burst of not so nice ways to put this.

"He’s nervous, which means we should be nervous.  There is some reason he has enough crystal and there is some reason he’s willing to spend it." 

I turn my head back up at Layohla, her look tells me two things.  1. She knows I know she knows this, and 2. She doesn’t care.

She speaks, "You know I need this, and if you hadn’t bought that damn brew . . . "

"Murlilau’s Special Dark"

" . . . Murlilau’s Special Dark, you could have given me the money and I wouldn’t, but seeing as how you did, I still do."

She still thinks I care about her, that’s why she’s playing up this angle.  I keep her around because she can keep my weapons firing, and has better aim than a Drillian with money on the line.  If she had only one skill or the other I would have dumped her when she dumped me.  I mean, anyone that is going to get raw about it when a man succumbs to his only opportunity with a set of Varkorean Triplets, well, you gotta have understandings in this life.

"Go.  Go tell the kid we’re in, if we can leave after tonight.   And check those crystals.  Then stay over there, I have something to enjoy first."

Let me know what you think.

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-These are the demands and sayings of Ericubus.

In the future it will become even easier for old negatives to become lost and be "replaced" by new altered negatives. This would be a great loss to our society. Our cultural history must not be allowed to be rewritten. - George Lucas 1988


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PostPosted: Sat May 28, 2016 8:18 am 
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It' an excellent little vignette with some fine world-building. Wish you luck getting it placed!

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PostPosted: Sat May 28, 2016 8:31 am 
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I like it. We need a sequel scene with the triplets!

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PostPosted: Wed Jun 01, 2016 2:04 pm 
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Pollution Baby
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Location: Massachusetts
Thank you for reading it.

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-These are the demands and sayings of Ericubus.

In the future it will become even easier for old negatives to become lost and be "replaced" by new altered negatives. This would be a great loss to our society. Our cultural history must not be allowed to be rewritten. - George Lucas 1988


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PostPosted: Tue Aug 16, 2016 11:13 am 
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Pollution Baby
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They never got back to me.

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-These are the demands and sayings of Ericubus.

In the future it will become even easier for old negatives to become lost and be "replaced" by new altered negatives. This would be a great loss to our society. Our cultural history must not be allowed to be rewritten. - George Lucas 1988


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PostPosted: Tue Aug 16, 2016 11:56 am 
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Pollution Baby
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Location: Massachusetts
I submitted to a different place. We'll see.

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-These are the demands and sayings of Ericubus.

In the future it will become even easier for old negatives to become lost and be "replaced" by new altered negatives. This would be a great loss to our society. Our cultural history must not be allowed to be rewritten. - George Lucas 1988


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PostPosted: Tue Aug 16, 2016 12:57 pm 
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Ericubus wrote:
They never got back to me.

No bueno.

:(

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PostPosted: Tue Aug 16, 2016 1:18 pm 
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Pollution Baby
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Si, no bueno.

Slightly revised edition...
Spoiler: show
He had grabbed the table while sitting down hard across form me and next to Layohla. I eyed my drink to see if the wobble would turn into a spill . . . catastrophe avoided.

“You almost spilled my drink.”

“I was told you’re a crew, you have a ship. You can take me where I need to go.”

“You almost spilled my drink.”

“Yes, I’m sorry about that. Listen, I need to get somewhere far. I can’t tell you where yet, but . . .”

The kid droned on. A potential job, sure, but I need a potential job like I needed this wirey little bundle of nerves spilling the one thing I had been looking forward to during the last job. Murlilau’s Special Dark. Brewed here, in his shop. Well, his wife’s shop really but you don’t mention that, not if you want the Special Dark. He brews it from a plant that only bears fruit once every 5 turns. Charges like it too, but damn if this isn’t the best brew anywhere in the Seven Galaxy’s. Makes your toes tingle and your blood warm, lets you relax, let your guard down and not feel off about it. I hadn’t even taken my first sip yet.

“You almost spilled my drink.”

“I’m sorry, but can you? Can you, I mean, I know you can, but will you? Will you take me?”

“Walk away, Kid.”

Layohla spoke up, “Give us a moment.”

What is this? Oh yeah, she still needs money. I look at her with nothing but impatience as the kid leaves. The only reason I took the last job was so I could be here, now. 20 turns of this. 20 turns of slipping through the nets, bringing one set of contraband to people looking to exchange it for another set of contraband. Ya, when I was younger it was fun, the rush of skidding by, getting known for being the man that can get things done. But now, it’s just what I do, the job of doing whatever jobs people can’t do for themselves. By now it’s all I know how to do, and the only way I can make enough to feed myself well.

Layohla looks at me with a contained smile, “It’s just the kid, nothing else. Will take about a tenth turn, maybe 7 or 8 jumps, but he’s got crystal, and it should be simpl . . . “

“Don’t, don’t, don’t”

I look down and grab my forehead to stop the burst of not so nice ways to put this.

“He’s nervous, which means we should be nervous. There is some reason he has enough crystal and there is some reason he’s willing to spend it.”

I turn my head back up at Layohla, her look tells me two things. 1. She knows I know she knows this, and 2. She doesn’t care.

She speaks, “You know I need this, and if you hadn’t bought that damn brew . . . “

“Murlilau’s Special Dark”

“ . . . Murlilau’s Special Dark, you could have given me the money and I wouldn’t, but seeing as how you did, I still do.”

She still thinks I care about her, that’s why she’s playing up this angle. I keep her around because she can keep any weapon in good enough shape to let us complete our jobs, and has better aim than a Drillian with money on the line. If she had only one or the other I would have dumped her when she dumped me. I mean, anyone that is going to get raw about it when a man succumbs to his only opportunity with a set of Varkorean Triplets, well, you gotta have understandings in this life.

“Go. Go tell the kid we’re in, if we can leave after tonight. And check those crystals. Then stay over there, I have something to enjoy first.”

_________________
-These are the demands and sayings of Ericubus.

In the future it will become even easier for old negatives to become lost and be "replaced" by new altered negatives. This would be a great loss to our society. Our cultural history must not be allowed to be rewritten. - George Lucas 1988


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