Fuck, man.

I have no clue how you can write what people tell you to at such a phenomenal rate.

I have been struggling WEEKS, bitch, to finish over 2,000 words in 200-300 word chunks.

This shit sucks ass.

Fuck you and your business sector of churning words that aren't your own.

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Pender will beat off to anything....

Come on, sissy, that's an afternoon of work. Git 'er done!!

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"Hitler had a pretty good idea there." - Eric

I've been on both sides here. Stuck so bad in writer's block that I couldn't get a single useful paragraph written in the course of a night's effort. I've also been so inspired that I've almost effortlessly written 2,000 quality words in as little as an hour and a half. Both of these things happened with me in writing Hitchcock's Villains. Usually I'm somewhere in the middle. Hate the former, love the latter.

Best thing for me to do when I need to write something and I'm having trouble? Go somewhere where there are minimal distractions (TV, video games, etc.). Some of my best writing on that last book was done at a cafe in a local supermarket. Put some headphones on, listen to some music, turn off the WiFi, tune out the people around you, and hammer out the words in your head.

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"You're totally cute and seem like a nice dude." --crikey

See, what I find interesting is not writing for pleasure, which I consider both my travel blog and the postcard columns, but writing for work. I could do it, I've had to write various short things for work before, but to write about whatever someone tells you/pays you to write about, that could be more difficult.

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I'm going to wait until you're sitting next to Ericubus and then I'll ask how you're feeling. - caryc

It can be easier, but not always, to write about what someone tells you or pays you to write about because you have no emotional attachment to your topic.

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"You're totally cute and seem like a nice dude." --crikey

I could never write for living -- I always leave words out and sometimes omit entire phrases. And it never, ever reads as well as it did in my head.

Shit, sometimes it takes me over an hour to shit out those little one-paragraph movie reviews I do each October.

Hats off to you, Shoe.

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"You know the best thing about necrophilia? You don't have to bring flowers. They're usually already there." -- George Carlin

There honestly isn't that much difference, once you've trained yourself to just sit down and work. People have this impression of writing like you have to be inspired and motivated to do it, probably because for most people that really is the only time they write -- and that's totally understandable for most people -- but it's like any other learned skill in that it becomes a reflex. "Time to sit down and work. Have to get X done." So you sit down and do it.

Like this month, my freelance workload consists of 34 articles and 20 beer reviews. (Yeah, I actually get paid to write about beer. That's neat!) That means I need to average more than an article a day, averaging about 500-550 words each.

Sounds like a lot more than it really is.

While I'd like to think there is some inherent something you have that other people don't, the truth is that 90% of it is work and practice. It's like, in order for me to golf well and at length and consistently, I have to stay focused and practice a lot and really keep my head in it. You have to treat the hobby like work. I'm well out of practice, so just getting me out to the driving range takes a big force of will.

Meanwhile, Phil Mickelson gets up in the morning and drives 100 balls by breakfast, because for him it's all just muscle and mental memory. It's a reflex. He's done it so often for so long he doesn't even need to think about it.

Writing is no different. You get to a point where it's like, "Okay, it's 8pm. I should get something done tonight." You sit down. You slam out a couple of articles. Then you fire up Skyrim and play until you fall asleep.

A good number of people here are talented writers when they're in the zone. I have absolutely zero doubt that if put in the situation where they had to write daily and consistently, any one of them could be in the zone ALL THE TIME. Shit that used to take you three hours would take you 45 minutes.

'S'all just practice.

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"Hitler had a pretty good idea there." - Eric

It is far more than practice, Shoe.

I'm not sure if you are being humble or just being a dick, so I will default to the first impression and call you overly humble.

Writing about shit that you have no real interest or attachment to is a fucking brutal, large-dicked bitch corn-holing your ass every day.

I got about 800+ words done yesterday, but it took me all day.

Writing copy for products when there ain't much to say? A fucking whore's ass looks more appetizing to me right now.

Add on top of that that it all has to go through a legal compliance review?

Yeah, fuck writing.

Thing is, I know Shoe could probably sit here and write it while farting his breakfast burrito and morning coffee and still have time to ramble down to get some BS'ing in at the water fountain.

Sure, I can spin shit here, but it is not stuff that has a review process or is not utter BS about nothing - how many times can it be said that a fucking cup holder for your wheelchair is wonderful? Only so many times before you sound like a complete tool.

I feel so much like Truman on the Truman Show, that I am sure I am Truman.

The only Truman.

The last True Man standing alone.

At least, while I am working.

Seriously, if you can spin out 300 words about a fucking cup holder and not repeat the 150 words that were already there - well, you are a far better writer than me, Shoe.

Which you are.

A far better writer, that is.

You are a fucking textual god amongst fonts.

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Pender will beat off to anything....

“I’m exhausted. I’ve been on this street a thousand times! It’s never looked so strange! The faces…so cold! In the distance, a child is crying. Fatherless…a bastard child, perhaps. My mouth is dry… my heart aches… but my hands… my hands are free and resilient! Thank God I have a cup holder in my Scooter-Thingy.”
-J. Peterman - kinda

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-These are the demands and sayings of Ericubus.

In the future it will become even easier for old negatives to become lost and be "replaced" by new altered negatives. This would be a great loss to our society. Our cultural history must not be allowed to be rewritten. - George Lucas 1988

I soooooo wish.

Yeah, not so much.

I did research and find out that King Henry VIII was part of the first recorded historical use of a stair lift.

He was injured in a joust and had his engineers pilfer some block & tackle from one of his ships to create the pulley system for the stair lift. Then he had royal slaves pull his fat ass up the stairs and lower his ass back down so he could eat and get fatter.

I was able to get that through the process for one page.

But it was pulling teeth far more than was worth it.

Now I am sticking to:

Cup Holders hold beverages. They can hold cold beverages. They can hold hot beverages. Beverages that are sweet. Beverages that relax or amp your fucking mind. Shit, if you want, put a brick in our cup holder and save it to throw at kids on your lawn or your woman that won't get her fucking fat ass out of the way of the TV.

Women can use cup holders, too.

They can put tampons in them. Keep your double dongs in the cup holder, women, if you like.

Cup holders. If God wanted your drink to be all over, he wouldn't have given you the $24.95 it costs to buy one. So buy it today.

I just am not a J.Petersen writer type of guy.

I like writing and all, but not like this. Not like this, Danny. Arrrrrghhhh.

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Pender will beat off to anything....

The Art of Filler is one of those arts that feels dirty and almost immoral, but is often totally necessary when trying to meet a word count with thin material.

You want to say that this cup holder holds cups that hold hot liquid? Set up some stupid scenario in which some dude really needs a cup holder because he has some hot liquid, then describe that stupid scenario.

I'm saying this as if that's not something you already did, but I bet it is.

Another good filler trick which is totally transparent and lazy but that skips past most people is posing a question and then answering it. "This cup holder will make sure you don't spill hot coffee all over your crotch like a dumbass" is to the point, but you've got space to fill.

Instead, it's like, "You've had a hectic morning. The wife is sick. You had to dash the kids to daycare. An accident added twenty minutes to your commute. And now you're trying to suck down this scalding hot coffee at 70 mph without dropping it into your lap and burning the memory of this lousy morning into your groin. But sometimes it's the little things that can make a bad morning just a little better. How to cure a few of your This Morning Has Been Way Too Hectic blues? Put that scalding hot coffee into Jack Fucknut's Cup Holder, crank up the radio, and give a state trooper the finger. Your coffee will stay out, it will stay out of your lap, and you'll feel better. That is, until you get a ticket for doing 70mph, you dumbass."

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"Hitler had a pretty good idea there." - Eric

Mind you, shit like that is a big no/no if you're trying to be GOOD. Keep that crap out of your novels and short stories and news articles and ad copy and whatnot.

But for a product-driven puff piece or blog post or article written for SEO purposes? Artfully disguised filler is a lovely thing.

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"Hitler had a pretty good idea there." - Eric

"I expect to not be able to see through this thick smoke wafting up once we opened the door, but it's not smoke. It's loneliness, broken promises, and indifference. Even the ramp is sticky in this place, guess I'm lucky they have one. With a smile from my compatriot, we pass through the red velvet of the chosen few. I'm handed a concoction that is more water than pleasure. It goes down easy. Then she arrives, a goddess sauntering through the thickness that blocks their secretes. I can't hide my reaction, and she reacts to it. A smile that has been practiced, and she turns, dips down, my drink still clutched, she almost gets intimate with it. Thanks God I have a cup holder to free my hands."
-E.E. Preston

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-These are the demands and sayings of Ericubus.

In the future it will become even easier for old negatives to become lost and be "replaced" by new altered negatives. This would be a great loss to our society. Our cultural history must not be allowed to be rewritten. - George Lucas 1988

This is gold.

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"Hitler had a pretty good idea there." - Eric

Filler is easy (or easier than what I am doing) when they allow you to be more conversational.

Unfortunately, my boss hates conversational writing style and poo-poos it every time.

She wants the content to be more business-themed (or dictionary-like<?>).

She drew the line about me speaking to the safety features of one product because she felt legal would not approve it - but in the same context she let me speaking about how the product improved home safety with regards to overcoming a staircase.

Shit seems arbitrary, at best.

But, yeah, scenario stuff is some of what I have been using, but also breaking down the specifics and saying the same shit in a different way three times.

It does seem dirty and immoral.

Especially compared to writing this post and others like it.

I love writing D&D stuff, Facebook shit, and getting into my favorite gaping hole and licking the walls in here - but writing business filler just is soul-crushing.

Maybe, once my soul is dead, the pain will lessen.

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Pender will beat off to anything....

You guys are a beautiful distraction.

Thanks God I have you to free my soul.

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Pender will beat off to anything....

The 's' at the end of 'Thank' was a type-O, but I kinda like it.

Are you completely distracted now? Have I made it 100% impossible to finish your devil work?


Sorry.

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-These are the demands and sayings of Ericubus.

In the future it will become even easier for old negatives to become lost and be "replaced" by new altered negatives. This would be a great loss to our society. Our cultural history must not be allowed to be rewritten. - George Lucas 1988

Doubtful that you are, but I still loves yah.

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Pender will beat off to anything....

A cups, B cups, C cups, D cups, DD cups, everyone loves boobies. Only a communist would suggest you shouldn't have a holder for them. You should have a holder for them. Because boobies are to be cherished. Cherished for the beautiful things they are. Feel safe that these precious boobies are held safe in this handy cup holder.

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"You're totally cute and seem like a nice dude." --crikey

Took nearly 9 hours to write over 1200 words today.

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Pender will beat off to anything....

Progress.

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"You're totally cute and seem like a nice dude." --crikey

I wrote 1,100 words between 8:40pm and 9:25pm last night.



(In all fairness, yours were probably better.)

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"Hitler had a pretty good idea there." - Eric

Yeah, I suck.

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Pender will beat off to anything....

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-These are the demands and sayings of Ericubus.

In the future it will become even easier for old negatives to become lost and be "replaced" by new altered negatives. This would be a great loss to our society. Our cultural history must not be allowed to be rewritten. - George Lucas 1988

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In space, nobody can hear you ride breakfast goat

That second one, 11 years ago I did that to my grandmother on my mother's side. She had dementia and was very hard to deal with, so I think it was for the best.

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"Hitler had a pretty good idea there." - Eric

Today I learned that the media group responsible for writing a little less than half of the overall content has yet to finish the work.

Seriously?

They are an office of 30-40 people.

Really irked me.

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Pender will beat off to anything....

I wrote 25 articles this week, each 500 - 550 words.

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"Hitler had a pretty good idea there." - Eric

My boss doesn't understand when I rant at her, "look, if Shoe can do this much and they have as yet to do anything - I think they are gold bricking, I tell you. Hire Shoe!"

"Who's Shoe?"

"If you don't know Shoe, you can't know Shoe."

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Pender will beat off to anything....

You are right about that.

Who knows Shoe?

Not you.

Unless you know Shoe.

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"Hitler had a pretty good idea there." - Eric

I know Shoe.

I live and love Shoe.

I am Shoe-core.

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Pender will beat off to anything....

Shoe-core is a new music genre.

You heard it here first.

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"Hitler had a pretty good idea there." - Eric

I truly sympathize with Pender right now, and the crazy thing is that it's for some bullshit.

Have a quick gig writing clothing descriptions for a women's fashion line.

Yeah yeah yeah. Hey, it's a quick bit of extra cash in my pocket, so why not?

Well, the why not is that this has turned out to be one of the hardest things I've ever had to write in my life. Not even exaggerating.

I'm on my third day struggling through this shit. Based on volume, this should have been maybe two hours of work. That's the price I quoted them, too.

But holy SHIT is this ever breaking my balls.

My copy is due today and I'm only halfway done. Spent all last night struggling with it, and the afternoon before. I have other stuff to get to, but this project has turned into a brick wall I can't break through.

And it's only fucking descriptions of blouses and shit! They even provided me with some of the basics to get me started!

Ugh.

Fuck this. I'm not taking jobs like this anymore.

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"Hitler had a pretty good idea there." - Eric

See Shoe, it isn't always easy to write what you don't know. So I had the day off yesterday, and used it to write my blog for our trip to Bonaire. I started about 10 am, and already had written 1/4 of it (it worked out to just under 5000 words). When I was done, I felt hungry, and I figured it must be around noon or 12:30. It was fucking quarter to 2!

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I'm going to wait until you're sitting next to Ericubus and then I'll ask how you're feeling. - caryc

It's not a matter of not knowing the material, it's the stop-start nature of the job. You can't get into a rhythm because it's just a series of 50-word blurbs. That's a really difficult way to write. You write three or four sentences, then you have to stop and start all over again with a new blurb.

Plus, you're constantly trying to find new ways to say the same shit. Describing a loose fitting blouse once is easy. By the time you're on your dozenth variation, though, you're ready to pull your damn hair out. How many ways can you say that a winter scarf will keep you warm and that it goes well with their winter coats!?

If it was just a full article on the same subject matter, with the same word count but as a single large piece, I'd have had it hammered out without breaking a sweat.

The nature of this work, though, is maddening and frustrating.

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"Hitler had a pretty good idea there." - Eric